And at the end of the day- a lot of us married, engaged, committed women are thinking: What can I do to make sure this does NOT happen to me! Hopefully your man has not and you have been doing your job. Some people are chalking this up like "Oh he's a ball player- he's gonna cheat". But let me break it down a bit more for you:
50 million men/women are cheating
50% of husbands who do cheat will have multiple affairs
50% of men never admit to it/92% of women never admit it
2.7 million will cheat and many of their spouses will never know.
Source: The Truth about Cheating- Oprah.com
Some other shocking statistics are:
33% do feel guilty afterwards
10% say they cheat because their sex life sucks
10% say the mistress looks better than their wives
85% say it is because they do not feel appreicated or the spouse is not thoughtful or caring
75% of cheating husbands have cheating friends
50% of cheating husbands witnessed their daddies do it
Source: The Truth about Cheating- Oprah.com
So now that we know these startling statistics, let's examine why men (and women) cheat:
Source: hubpages.com and womansaves.com
1. Freedom- He has found another woman who will do what his wife doesn't do or doesn't do well.
2. Emotional support- he has found another woman who makes him feel attractive, sexy, smart. Women sometimes get comfortable in the relationship so men get bored- so he finds another woman who makes him feel wanted.
3. Unmet needs- 80/20 rule: wife gives 80%, other woman gives him the missing but strongly desired 20%. Men cheat with:
- women who share (or pretends to share) his views and interests
- women who asks what he likes and gives it to him
- women who insist they have a friendship who he probably met at work or during a hobby.
4. Ego- some men cheat just to see if they still got it
5. Revenge- cheat because they feel they have been wronged
6. Fear- some cheat because they fear manogomy. Some keep another woman around just in case the relationship doesn't workout. For some men, this is standard procedure.7. Because they never loved you in the first place- he loved somebody else who he couldn't be with.
8. They had the option-- there is a woman he knows is waiting in the wings or the wife has forgiven him each time and/or they know they can get away with it.
So now, I am going to break down for you the "cardinals"- the common knowledge rules that all marraige counselors tell women to try. It worked for me, and I know it can work for you:
1. First of all, stop thinking that your man is cheating because you have gained weight or he found a woman who looks better than you. Only 8% of men cheat for that reason. Understand that sex is also only an 8% reason why men cheat. The truth is, men are just as needy emotionally as women are. Men (just like women) want to feel appreciated, loved, and wanted. You must keep it fresh and let him know you appreciate how he provides for you. This does not mean saying it everyday- but actions speak louder than words. Run his bath water, massage his back, lay on his chest, cook his favorite meal/dessert without telling him, invite him to have his friends over to watch whatever is coming up (for my hubby it's been NBA finals, superbowl, WWF pay-per-view). I have even soaked my husband's feet! Let him hear it, and let him see that you love and appreciate him! (Note: He SHOULD be doing the same for you as well!) Recognize his efforts. Listen to him and shut the hell up! Sometimes they don't want the answer. They just want to talk to you. The statistics say that the Average couple spends 10 minutes talking a day- I wonder what the ratio is for women doing all the damn talkin in that 10 minutes? The number one reason men cheat is because they do not feel appreciated by their wives.
2. He has found a woman who is ready and willing to do what you won't do. There should be nothing you will hesitate to do unless it compromise personal beliefs (i.e., he asks you to do a threesome with another woman or anal sex) or make you too uncomfortable. But many other things should be fair game. I don't suggest this if he hasn't purchased the cow yet (put a ring on it), but if he has purchased the cow, pull out the karma-sutra book or get porn on demand and try something new. Have sex more and embrace intimacy with your husband. That is the whole point of marriage- to have uninhibited sex with the man you love. Many women do not explore their sexual sides- maybe they think their husbands will think they are hoes. But, every married woman I have talked to do not care. I don't think men really want conservative wives in the bedroom. As cliche as it is- they do want a woman in public and a freak in the bed. But YOU have to be comfortable with yourself sexually first and know what you like before you can try to please him or you will feel uncomfortable. Have conversations about sex with your spouse.
3. 80/20-- I think that many women can get 90/10 or even 100% satisfaction to their spouse, but the 20% is what they want at that time. Whether that is a woman who watches sports with him, plays video games with him, has sex with him 5-6 times a week, cooks better......whatever it is there is another woman who is looking to cash in on the 20%. And really, that is all her ass can offer. I try to meet his needs as much as possible- I know his needs and I try to meet his needs just as much as he knows mine. You have to have these open conversations about what your wants and desires are on both ends. The 80/20 will always be there in most cases, but your man should be satisfied that you are trying to meet his needs, thus making him satisfied with the possible 20% of what he can't have or may not get. But, have these conversations!
Now- let's NOT get this confused with what most wives say are his needs: cooking, cleaning, having sex here and there, having his kids, blah blah. Mind you that common maids an nannies also do this and are not married to your husband. You have to elevate your status beyond that of a maid or nanny to your husband. Needs means emotionally what does he need, sexually what does he need, mentally, physically, recreationally, whatever.
4. Lastly, I cannot stress this enough- emotional affairs do exist and in many cases, they turn into sexual affairs. A rule of thumb is that if you cannot do it in front of your spouse, than you are cheating. Therefore, your spouse should NOT and I mean NOT have a friend of the opposite sex that knows more about him or is closer to him than YOU. At any time. My husband has no friends of the opposite sex that are not friends of mine. He has no female numbers in his phone at all. He does not get too close to female coworkers. 85% of men meet "the other woman" at work or during a hobby. They claim that she is just a friend, but when that "friend" gets leverage, you can forget about it. By leverage, I mean 1 up on you- he is going through something you are too busy to listen to him about and he needs someone to talk to, he's going through something with you and can't talk to you about it, work projects, you won't go to the golf course with him and she is always there on Sundays......you can NEVER let another woman get too close to your man. YOU need to have the lines of communication open with him where he can talk to you about anything, you need to be there for him and not be judgemental or give him the answers, and you both need to try each other's hobbies and interests.
The above four tips are for prevention BEFORE a man will cheat. If you have this in check most people have excellent marriages. For cheating reasons 4-9, you cannot change this man, give him another chance or otherwise. This is NOT a good man and you need to get the hell away from him if you don't want to deal with that shit:
The "ego" thing: he will always go through that period when he sees "if he still has it". How can you forgive that?
He loved someone else he wasn't over- he is gonna cheat with her at some point. Especially when she was "his soulmate". Think Carrie Bradshaw and Mr. Big on this one.
Revenge- mistakes may happen. Some people get vulnerable and people are imperfect. But to do it to get revenge on you for wronging him...........it will always happen if communication is not constant in your relationship. Sometimes this can be fixed- but usually with counseling.
Fear of manogomy- oh that's easy.....he's still a boy. Leave him a lone and let him grow the hell up.
It's was easy/he had an option/he could get away with it- believe it or not......I know many women who have these kinds of men. You keep forgiving him, he keeps "making the same mistake"...I guess YOU not gonna learn until your crotch is itchin or he is dead or the husband of the other woman calls you or kills him. They call this insanity.
Lastly--- one more thing: Most women want a proven man. A man who is married, because women know that he obviously has potential. I have met women who brag about snatching a happily married man from his unknowing wife. Persistant little heffers- they call him at work, send emails constanstly, meet him to talk or for coffee....whatever. We as married women have to do our jobs at home to safegaurd our relationships from women like this. THEY EXIST and do not for one minute believe that they don't. I have known of a woman who was a mistress for 20 years and stayed with him through all the promises of leaving his wife until that 20th year when he finally did. Isn't that crazy? Also, some women LIKE being mistresses because they only providing 20%. He goes home to you and she still has freedom. She just need him for sex and companionship here and there.......I know women like THIS as well.
If you have a man who has cheating friends or saw his father cheat- you need to have open conversations about cheating TODAY. Talk about it openly. My husband and I had this conversation and we have an understanding now. We try not to be around cheaters or enable cheaters.
Other tips:
Date- continue to make time once a month for you and your spouse atleast 2-3 times a month. Every successful married couple I know do this. Take short vacations away without the kids to find your relationships or refresh.
Married friends- have married friends as much as you have single ones and let your single friends know you need to be at home and you CANNOT hang out all night everynight.
Talking to much- never, ever tell mothers, cousins, girlfriends, grandma's, nobody intimate details about your man or his lovemaking abilities. Also, if you experience bad times, talk to your man! Not your girls, momma, etc. Talk to him (don't go off)...........
Try to make him feel like the man of the house as often as possible. Take his last name-- try not to hypenate. The experts say women do that to keep that identity (unknowingly), but when a husband selects you to be his "rib" or be his "good thing" that should be an honor. Take his last name. Do small things to let him know he is the man (let him be agressive during sex, sit at the head of the table, watch his show on the big T.V.....) it goes a long way.
Keep yourself up and keep it sexy- don't wear raggity pjs or wholly underware. Be sexy whenever possible- even if that means sleeping naked. Jada Pinkett does it. She's a good role model.
Understand you cannot change a habitual cheater or a grown ass man. So don't try. If it is too much for you, get out.
Holla at ya girl with other tips or comments or questions--
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